Elizabeth Marquardt in Does Presence Matter? in The Family Scholars Blog, makes a very interesting point, both about our language and our assumptions.
She begins with the term commuter marriage, playing out the images it evokes - lonely individuals in apartments far from each other, long trips to see each other for brief periods of time, economic stress that forces jobs in two locations, or (more judgmentally) a focus on career or success so strong that it precludes living in the same house with a spouse.
Most people know, at an unspoken level, that a commuter marriage can't last long as such.
Perhaps the commuting becomes too difficult (expensive, tedious, time-consuming) and someone moves to the others' location. Perhaps the marriage bond is weakened (new friends, new patterns, few social supports) and a divorce occurs. As Marquardt says, we have an intuitive sense that living in the same place is an inherent part of a marriage that is stable over the long term.
Then Marquardt makes the connection that springs the trap shut: what happens to the relationship between children and their non-custodial parent, after divorce?
There was an aha! moment when I read her post. The push and pull of ties in two locations is amplified when there is a parent in both places. The unsettling feeling of being in someone else's home - but having a right to be there - or not having any stable sense of home. The fatigue with travel, with schedules, with packing and unpacking, with planning. The pressure to be happy and upbeat - no matter how hard the day or week - because there is only a short amount of time to be together -- all of those things are present for the commuter child as well. If it is hard on a marriage, it is certainly hard on a parent-child relationship.
These are not identical situations, certainly. But it makes the studies about the impact of divorce on relationships between parents and children much easier to understand. No wonder so many parents and children grow distant over time: commuter love is hard to do!
Monday, February 5, 2007
The Presence of Parents
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3 comments:
Sister: I don't frequently comment but I just wanted you to know that I think your blog has been just excellent lately.
Sister--
It is nice to see both you and Elizabeth Marquardt giving some vocalization to some of the issues facing children of divorce.
My stepsons face a double-whammy in this commuter situation. Their mother has lived in a different state than them most of their lives. Recently, she moved to our state, but her husband moved to a different state than her. They are still married. He comes to our state two weekends a month (the weekends the boys visit with her).
I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how temporary and mobile their lives must feel. My husband and I are constantly reassuring them that we aren't moving anywhere. Although we grow frustrated with some of the space issues in our home, we WILL NOT move until my stepsons move out on their own. They have had to move too many times, and we feel that even a move down the street would be too negative for them.
I don't think my husband's ex-wife and her new husband have much of a marriage. I have a hard time spending one night away from my husband, let alone living in a different state than him. But then again, my priorities in life don't put money above everything else....
-Mrs. H
Those stepsons are certainly fortunate to have the stability you and your husband are providing for them. It's a great example of the ways in which the joys of parenting are tied directly to the sacrifices of parenting.
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